I've realized we give "should" too much power, and it keeps us trapped in a cycle of disappointment. ~ Lori J Smith
How to Recognize a Should Mindset
I’ve realized we give “should” too much power, and it keeps us trapped in a cycle of disappointment.
As I worked to replace the feelings of overwhelm, I learned how important it was to recognize the difference between the feelings of what I should be doing and what the truth was for my life.
In this blog, I’m offering some steps to consider as you work to replace overwhelm, guilt and disappointment when it comes to the long list of ‘shoulds’ we give ourselves.
Replace Your Should mindset: Step 1 - GAIN AWARENESS OF YOUR THOUGHTS, FEELINGS, AND DESIRES
You know that scene in the movie, The Notebook when Noah asks Allie, “what do you want? WHAT DO YOU WANT?” She answers, “it’s not that simple.”
I felt that.
When it comes to understanding our thoughts and feelings, I agree with Allie; it’s not that simple.
But why?
I believe that often throughout life, we set up a scenario in which we have little awareness of our thoughts and feelings. When we’re asked to consider our dreams, aspirations, and desires, it can feel selfish.
Selfishness is not what we’re going for, so it gets complicated.
In reality, knowing your thoughts, feelings and desires are where you find yourself doing what matters most.
Instead, we find it easier, comforting even, to look to others to give us clarity, direction, and validation. We begin to build ideas of what we should be doing. Not always directly from others (although sometimes that’s exactly what happens) but from the meanings we create from the messages we take in.
Our ‘shoulds’ are in the air we breathe, the culture we are a part of, and the content we consume.
It’s likely we are not even aware that we are operating in shoulds. TIP: Here’s a small secret to begin recognizing if this is the case for you: Take notice when you quickly say yes to something, although you feel frustrated, bitter, or annoyed about it. It’s not something to ignore or push down. It’s a signal that you need to better understand how you actually feel about the situation. This is the beginning of understanding your thoughts, feelings, and desires around that particular subject.
Replace Your Should mindset: Step 2 -Define who YOU are and who You desire to be
We are all different and are in various stages of life with different gifts and capacities. No formula or outline works for every individual. Defining who we are and who we desire to be is found in exploring our uniqueness.
Your personality traits, abilities, likes, dislikes, moral code, or belief system. What motivates you? Honestly, can you answer what demotivates you? Being sure and able to describe these aspects of your identity gives you a strong sense of who you are. When we hold onto our should mindset, we suppress our uniqueness which is actually a gift from the author of all the unique beauty we experience every day.
Maybe you haven’t spent much time consciously thinking about ‘who you are”, but it still affects your life.
Have you ever noticed a pattern of making decisions based on what other people want from you? That is, in the simplest terms, what living from ‘shoulds’ looks like. When you don’t have the answer, or you work hard not to be a bother, you’re a go-with-the-flow kind of gal. It’s possible your thoughts and opinions are lurking beneath the surface, and you blow your top from time to time.
Having a well-developed, solid sense of self supports your ability to make healthy choices in your life. This gives you a small, steady release of steam and protects you from the build-up. This continuous flow allows you to live from a solid place that fosters healthy, more satisfying relationships with yourself and others.
Replace Your Should mindset: Step 3 - Plan To GROW
Well, guess what ~ Because I found comfort in living with a should mindset and looking to others to define who I should be, determining who I was, based on my thoughts and feelings, was challenging and exposing. Meaning ~ I felt insecure. I was unsure if my ideas would be accepted, so I continued to spend a lot of time checking in with others to see if they thought I was on the right path. 😂
Understanding your need to gain better awareness of your thoughts, feelings, and desires is one thing. Defining who you are is another, but changing up the should mindset, triggers, and habits you’ve relied on for so long is where the real battle begins.
I needed to grow in this area. It was time to move from AWARENESS to DEFINING to KNOWING.
I had to learn how to live out and live in my solid sense of self.
I understand the phrase “living in my comfort zone” more now than ever. Sometimes I long for the comfort zone that living with a should mindset gave me because stepping into a more solid sense of self is, as I said earlier, not that simple…it’s an uncomfortable process. I’m learning the ‘easiest’ way to navigate it is to accept that I have to plan to grow through it.
HOW?
I don’t think we will just arrive at a completed, solid point one day, but that we will continually be growing. One day, when we’ve been digging into growth, we begin to feel less overwhelmed in our daily activities and less guilt for our decisions. We begin to recognize an increasing number of days where joy and peace are greater than the days of overwhelm & disappointment.
Unfortunately, it’s not a quick process. It is a lifelong journey.
That’s how I came to create the Plan To GRO journaling system. I needed something that allowed me to work through my journey away from my should mindset to help me organize my thoughts, prayers, and ideas in a safe place while I built a more solid sense of self.
It’s incredible to capture thoughts and feelings on paper and know that I’ve tracked my journey for over five years inside my journals.
It’s incredible to capture thoughts and feelings on paper and know that I’ve tracked my journey for over five years inside my journals. Reading over them is like seeing a map of where I have come from and what I need to do to keep moving in the right direction. It’s revealing, it’s personal, it’s strengthening, and it’s definitely freeing.
“You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32
If you’d like to learn more about understanding and protecting what matters most for you and begin recognizing when you’re operating from a should mindset, consider joining GRO Society. We will create a journaling, planning, and growth foundation with you. It’s time to find yourself one day recognizing an increasing number of days where joy and peace are greater than the days of overwhelm and disappointment. It’s not about setting your life up as others say it should be. You get to decide. (if you’re looking for a quick, simple answer to where to begin, download this free what matters most assessment. Start today by finding clarity about your next right thing)
