“Every one of us needs to show how much we care for each other and, in the process, care for ourselves.” ~ Princess Diana
As a stay-at-home mom for the majority of our kids’ lives, I often felt an overwhelming sense of responsibility to be immediately and continually available to everyone at all times. All three kiddos, the hubs, the family pets, not to mention my extended family, friends, our church, their schools, and other volunteer organizations. If and when I was able to hold up my “responsibility” and not let anyone down, the underlying chaos was always there. I was letting myself down. My thoughts would often drift to “How in the world am I supposed to be able to do it all?” One day, not all at once, I realized – I’m not.
The belief that I was, was not only untrue, but it created a heavy physical and internal burden that I was never meant to carry. Also, it left way too much room for others to “slack” in their personal responsibilities when I was always available to pick it up. It was time for a shift in how I viewed my role and how I taught my family to view my time.
If you’re still reading, I’m pretty sure I know what you’re thinking. Just reading the title may have made you scoff a little. “Lori, my family will never go for that. – “Who will feed us, drive us, make our appointments, help with homework, and make sure we brush our teeth?” AND if I am not always available, I’ll miss all the moments that “I should be there” for.”
Even though I’ve graduated from some of the above items, I was often afraid of that too! I felt that being “on call” was my JOB as a wife and mother. I couldn’t see how it would work any other way.
Through the years, I’ve learned that my sense of duty had more to do with my need to be needed than the reality of the situation. My real job was to ensure I was raising responsible, well-adjusted, considerate adults, not to be in the running for an unrealistic Stepford wife. I had to first readjust my thinking…then, in time, we found our groove, and the rest of the family adjusted as well.
Building Better Mom Boundaries: Restructuring the Way You and Your Family See Your Time
STEP ONE - The Easiest Place to Start…Put Yourself On The Family Calendar
“Fan girl.” I know you’ve heard the phrase, but I’ve never loved the term. That is until lately… I’ve totally become a fan girl of Lysa Terkeurst. She brings practical insight, deeper insight, and too much to handle insight in some seasons. All while aligning it with a much-needed Biblical perspective.
Just this morning, we were challenged to predetermine our Best Yes activity for the week and set our schedule accordingly.
I don’t think I need to convince you of how important it is that you are taking care of yourself. You understand the need and the benefits, but HOW to make it happen is always where we get tripped up. Well, here’s how…
And let me just say I know you will want to resist...
BUT the easiest place to start is to schedule yourself on the calendar. Literally, take out your phone or your planner and put yourself on it. Then if you don’t have a shared family calendar, make one and invite everyone in your family.
Send them a text to accept the calendar, and then as soon as you see the last accept come in, quickly add your Best Yes activity to that calendar. Ok, go ahead and do that now.
STEP TWO - Leave Room For That Uncomfortable Feeling When Balls are Being Dropped.
Inevitably your Best Yes activity will roll around, and someone in your family will need something. “Hey, Mom, I left my volleyball shorts and shoes at home this morning. Can you bring them to practice?” This was a common one for me back in the day.
Immediately you’ll start working through the process in your brain to figure it all out. “Well, I could grab them now, and after I grab the groceries, dry cleaning, and pick up the dogs from the groomer, I could go the back way and drop them off at the school. This should only take about 15 extra minutes. I’ll only miss a small amount of my Best Yes activity…I can make it work just this one time.”
Here's where the stretching comes in. That "just this one time" thought in your head…you and I both know that's not true. It will happen again, and it's time to create a different pattern for you and for your kiddos.
Sometimes you will HAVE to adjust your schedule when others “drop the ball” (that’s part of being a family), BUT you have to get really good at being able to discern when. (that’s what “The Best Yes” book is all about, by the way…Making Wise Decisions in The Midst of Endless Demands)
If the practice shoes and shorts are not the moment to adjust your schedule, be ready to experience the uncomfortableness of letting others down.
This is absolutely not a make-it-or-break-it moment for your child. Although they will be uncomfortable having to figure it out on their own, they will survive. Breathe and allow yourself and others to manage their own feelings around it.
Contrary to how you have managed things in the past and how YOU feel about this, it's not your responsibility to ensure they don't feel uncomfortable from time to time. So, allow it for your family and for yourself.
STEP THREE - Remember Your Actual Role as The Parent: Teacher, Not Enabler/Superhero
If you’re like me, when you get to this point in the scenario, you think it’s easier to just do it. Plus, I like when everyone’s happy with me. Delaying my plan and doing it is easier to carry than the uncomfortable feeling of their disappointment.
Again, sometimes that’s ok and needed. Still, we’re trying to teach our family and ourselves to see our time as valuable and that it’s better for the whole family when it is used to support mom as well.
Don't toss this opportunity away by always being the superhero.
Thinking this way stops the enabling trend and takes into account how each individual can grow when pressured by the reality of personal responsibility. Now that they realize you’re not available for every ‘ut oh’ moment, they will likely not allow those moments to happen as often. They will become more in tune with their responsibilities.
When you get a chance to talk about what happened later, tell them this…”Remember when Mom put on the calendar that I would be busy today? When those times are on the calendar, I won’t be available to grab items for you and bring them to you.
If you can take a few extra moments and think about your day before leaving for school, you will be supporting Mom’s ability to do things that are a part of my life. Just like volleyball is a part of your life. We’re all in this together, and I’ll be there for you every time I can to support you. Can you do this to help support me?”
You're teaching them how we can be there for one other as a family for the collective, moms and grandmoms included.
In Conclusion...
These days I’m getting my “masters in GRAND momming.”
Although my kids are grown with their own families, they still need a little chunk of my time here and there.
I can happily say that we've developed a system that works for our new family dynamics as well.
Whether you’re still knee-deep in piles of family laundry – or – you’ve narrowed down your weekly investment to grandbaby playdates with LoLo (that’s me 👋🏼)… you have to decide where Y-O-U fit into the schedule each week. (ok, playdates sound cute, but let’s face it, it’s babysitting, I’ll admit it, but we make it FUN!)
Go grab your phone and set up your family calendar! Be sure to schedule Y-O-U into the week first thing!
Happy GRO-ing!
